In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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