Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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