I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
