I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
My liver just broke up with me...
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
