i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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