I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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