I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
