I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
