im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
