Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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