Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
