so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
