i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
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