Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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