she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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