Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I am midnight drunk by noon
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
