Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
