How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
