Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
