So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
