what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
