I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
