They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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