i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
