We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
