I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
