Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
