You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
