My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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