I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
