i'm signing you up for texting rehab
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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