he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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