Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
love makes seman taste better
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
