tell your sister to shave her snatch
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
