Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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