I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
