I wish I only lived at night.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
