I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
