Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
