Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
