My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Randomize
