If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Randomize
