Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
