does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
