I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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