We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Randomize
