I'm sorry my penis didn't work
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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