I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
