Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
