i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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