She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
