Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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