I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
