I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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