I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Randomize
