the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
