someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
