I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize