I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
