Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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